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Address to the Critic

12 Aug

Let’s face it; if you’ve followed my blog at all then you now know I suffer from extreme insecurity.  Today it hit me square in the face.  I should have known it was coming.  I had

Original art

tossed and turned half the night defending myself to mysterious figments.  The problem is I just don’t seem to measure up to anybody’s standards.

I’m not pretty enough.  Really.  I’m three years shy of 40 with grey hairs that refuse to be hidden any longer and now require regular trips to the hairdresser.  Sorry but the whole spring chick window has been closed for me.

I weigh too much.  Yep.  I know.  I just don’t have any desire to do anything about it at the moment.  Talk to me when my stress levels have dropped 4 or 5 notches.  Better yet, come help me eliminate my stress.  I can personally guarantee a drop in weight will follow.

Get a job.  This is a really tough one for me.  I battle just as much with myself as with others who say it.  The trouble is I live in a small town that has the mistaken idea that a part-time job means 2-3 full days per week.  No half days.  This makes it difficult for a mother with children to find work.  We don’t have the option of working only during school hours.  My children would have to walk to and from school, pouring rain, blowing snow, -30 in the winter, +30 in the spring and fall.  I just don’t have the heart to make them do it.  When it’s -30 in the winter with an icy breeze blowing, it cuts your breath off.  I can’t even walk to the end of my block with a scarf wrapped around my face.  Older women have told me it’s not worth it.  Now is the time to spend with my children, a time of precious memories.  This is where my dilemma comes in.  Do I follow the wisdom of the older generation or tread the trail of my time and add extra income?

Church.   This is a biggie.  Once again it carries so much of my own expectations of myself.  The only time we missed church when I was small was a blizzard or if both my parents were sick.  I feel so much pressure to set the same model for my kids but life is more complicated.  My husband does not share the same ideal.  If I want my kids at every church meeting, I have to be the one to take them.  Then there is church itself.  I don’t attend often enough.  I don’t participate in activities.  I don’t…I don’t…I don’t.

Your son disrespects you.  He is expressing an opinion.

Your house is not clean enough.  The maid was busy.

You draw inappropriate material.  I like it.  It appeals to me.

You are lazy.  I prefer the term “slow-moving”.

You have all these business ideas yet do nothing.  One word.  Fear.

Once during one of my self-bashing tyrants, my mother told me, “God created you equal to everyone else”.  This has become a sort of motto for my life.  When I start to doubt myself, I square my shoulders and repeat this phrase.  It has helped me place one foot in front of the other and march through a new door.  Every so often, innocent comments creep under my bravado and I feel myself stooping under their weight.  I get angry.  If God created me equal, why can’t anyone else see it?!!

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6 responses to “Address to the Critic

  1. 5kidswdisabilities

    August 12, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    Why do you judge yourself by other’s perceptions? I learned that old adage that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I never considered myself even slightly pretty (although others have since bared to differ.) In order to make beauty unimportant, I never judged others on how they looked.
    I, too, weigh “too much”, (whatever that is.) But that is because I eat to relieve the stress of raising kids. I could be skinny, but then I’d be childless. What fun is that?
    Get a job????? What do you call raising children? When you are old and grey, you will not be remembering how many hours you put in at work, you will be remembering that you were a good parent to your children…there when they needed you.
    Church….well, I was raised the same as you…to church every Sunday. But, think about it. Is God a type of God that would only reward those people who go to church? He never said to go to church every Sunday, just something like “honor the Sabbath.” I honor the Sabbath by honoring my time with my kids, and I don’t feel even a twinge of guilt. Sitting in a pew for an hour or playing on the beach with a child for an hour. In my mind, the beach honors Him more!
    Your son disrespects you? 5 minutes from now he will be clamoring for your approval. Children are like that.
    Your house is not clean??? PLEASE!!!! If someone is going to judge me by how clean my house is, I don’t care. My house is not clean, but I am doing the best I can do under the circumstances. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come visit! (Which, by the way, my mother-in-law has not done in 20 years!!!)
    Please learn that you are the one bashing yourself. Ignore what you thinks others MAY think. In reality, whether you go to church or have a clean house is not what is important in life. Enjoying your children and doing the best you can is all any of us can expect to do. And doing that is AMAZING!!!!!

     
    • Jennifer's Journal

      August 13, 2012 at 6:31 am

      I love the advice given by the above. So true, in my mind, and words we can all live by. Certifiably insane, please take heart.

       
    • certifiblyinsane

      August 14, 2012 at 11:25 am

      Thanks for your encouragement. You sound like someone who would be good for me to know. 🙂

       
  2. Susan

    August 14, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Keep that advise sounding in your head and put it in your heart too. God really loves you and has chosen you to be the mom of three wonderful kids. They love you too, just have to express their own idealistics. This too shall pass. NO matter what any one can throw out at you, know that Christ Jesus for your sake too all that too. Tell him how you feel and all that has happened. Ask him for strength today.

     
  3. Susan

    August 14, 2012 at 9:45 am

    ps: that drawing is not innapproprate. It states clearly your feelings. Perhaps the Critic that gave the comment wasn’t ready to show you support.

     
    • certifiblyinsane

      August 14, 2012 at 11:28 am

      Aww…you are so sweet! Always my loyal supporter. 🙂

       

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