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Category Archives: prayer

When Prayer Isn’t Enough

I am first and foremost a stay-at-home mom.  Oh, I have other titles.  I am a bookkeeper for my husband’s small company, I am errand girl, I am secretary.  My actual job though is to care for my family’s physical, mental, and emotional health.
When one of my family members started to digress emotionally, it was difficult for me.  It was a huge blow when he no longer wanted my support or helpful analysis of his behaviour.  I couldn’t “fix” him.  Our marriage suffered and our kids became unsure and insecure.   The constant fighting and bickering was overwhelming and confusing to three children who had heard all their lives that mommy and daddy loved each other and would never, ever separate. 
 Then came that fateful weekend when everything smashed together, the moody silences, the screaming, the tears.  Both of us wanted out.  I was ready to call it quits.  Something I never thought I would ever say and even scarier, I was too tired to fight for our marriage any longer.  If he walker out that door, I doubt I would ever see him again, certainly our marriage would have ended.  Both of us stubborn and lost. Me, furious and emotional; him, calm and empty.  The lyrics to a song by Matthew West played over and over in my head, “I know I’m not strong enough to be everything that I’m supposed to be”.  I boke down sobbing, “Lord, I’m not strong enough.  I can’t do this”.   I had nothing left.  I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to.

 Prayer just wasn’t enough.

 In the end, he didn’t walk out the door, rather it was me who did.  I slammed my way outside and grabbed an axe determined to finally chop down those overgrown tree branches that I had been badgering my husband to prune all summer long.  I swung around, startled to find my youngest daughter had followed me outside, scared and worried that I was going to do something stupid.  She came offering a hug but wanting comfort.  I sent her away. 

 Frustrated, I turned my fury into hacking away at the lilac bushes.  They wouldn’t budge.  There was absolutely no way those spindley branches were coming down.  I flailed my axe in vain.  I was using the wrong tool.

By this time, I was beyond rational thinking.  I stomped into my backyard looking for a good stout tree.  In the silence of the snow covered yard with the moon shining brightly, I looked up at the star filled sky and begged God for help.  I didn’t get an answer.  There was no startling revelation.  I felt alone and confused and unloved, more upset than ever knowing that I had hurt my little girl too.

There in the black sky was the tiny formation of the Little Dipper.  I went back into the house and brought my little one out and pointed out the Little Dipper and the Big Dipper.  As she admired the stars, I realized that I would never stop fighting for my children, their right to a whole and complete family.  Things didn’t improve overnight, over week, or even over a month.  It was a start to a new phase, a new chapter, an intense painful chapter, our trial.  This is where my journey begins.

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Posted by on January 15, 2012 in depression, marriage, prayer

 

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