Let’s face it; if you’ve followed my blog at all then you now know I suffer from extreme insecurity. Today it hit me square in the face. I should have known it was coming. I had
tossed and turned half the night defending myself to mysterious figments. The problem is I just don’t seem to measure up to anybody’s standards.
I’m not pretty enough. Really. I’m three years shy of 40 with grey hairs that refuse to be hidden any longer and now require regular trips to the hairdresser. Sorry but the whole spring chick window has been closed for me.
I weigh too much. Yep. I know. I just don’t have any desire to do anything about it at the moment. Talk to me when my stress levels have dropped 4 or 5 notches. Better yet, come help me eliminate my stress. I can personally guarantee a drop in weight will follow.
Get a job. This is a really tough one for me. I battle just as much with myself as with others who say it. The trouble is I live in a small town that has the mistaken idea that a part-time job means 2-3 full days per week. No half days. This makes it difficult for a mother with children to find work. We don’t have the option of working only during school hours. My children would have to walk to and from school, pouring rain, blowing snow, -30 in the winter, +30 in the spring and fall. I just don’t have the heart to make them do it. When it’s -30 in the winter with an icy breeze blowing, it cuts your breath off. I can’t even walk to the end of my block with a scarf wrapped around my face. Older women have told me it’s not worth it. Now is the time to spend with my children, a time of precious memories. This is where my dilemma comes in. Do I follow the wisdom of the older generation or tread the trail of my time and add extra income?
Church. This is a biggie. Once again it carries so much of my own expectations of myself. The only time we missed church when I was small was a blizzard or if both my parents were sick. I feel so much pressure to set the same model for my kids but life is more complicated. My husband does not share the same ideal. If I want my kids at every church meeting, I have to be the one to take them. Then there is church itself. I don’t attend often enough. I don’t participate in activities. I don’t…I don’t…I don’t.
Your son disrespects you. He is expressing an opinion.
Your house is not clean enough. The maid was busy.
You draw inappropriate material. I like it. It appeals to me.
You are lazy. I prefer the term “slow-moving”.
You have all these business ideas yet do nothing. One word. Fear.
Once during one of my self-bashing tyrants, my mother told me, “God created you equal to everyone else”. This has become a sort of motto for my life. When I start to doubt myself, I square my shoulders and repeat this phrase. It has helped me place one foot in front of the other and march through a new door. Every so often, innocent comments creep under my bravado and I feel myself stooping under their weight. I get angry. If God created me equal, why can’t anyone else see it?!!